This time of year we are all looking for love. I can't tell you how may times I have let a man into my bed with the thought “this is the one” I would bet many of us are guilty of this. I would guess both men and women have probably thought this at one time or another, but I will speak here from a woman's perspective. Most of us don't like the feeling of a one-night stand especially if we are the one invested in the outcome.
There is always one person more invested than the other and someone always goes home feeling rejected. We sit and wait for that call that never comes, we go around and around in our mind about “Why? What did I do wrong?” We beat ourselves up over and over for days, as we go through stages of grief. If you are the one that is more invested, it usually goes something like this:
Day 1: Euphoric. We are feeling high on the other person. We play out the night before over and over in our head and can't seem to think of much else. We probably sit and daydream most of the day like a teenager. We fantasize about our next encounter. We wonder when he will call or email or text. Then we wonder if we should be the one to do it first. Who wants to play games, after all? But for most women, we usually wait.
Day 2: Beginning stages of fear and self-doubt. No call, no email, no text. We decide, “Maybe I will send an email or a text message. What's the harm in that?” No response. We wait, we think, we start to beat ourselves up. Once again we play it over and over in our heads. But this time, we are looking for that fatal flaw. “What did I do wrong?”
Day 3: Panic. Still no response from your message. We go through several different scenarios in our heads as to why he might not be responding. Maybe his phone died, or maybe he's out of town and there is no service, or maybe he's just too busy and he'll call later. Maybe he's testing me! We make up all kinds of crazy excuses.
Day 4: Anger. “I can't believe he hasn't returned my message. It's his loss anyway.” We try and stay busy to keep our mind off of him, but it's hard to resist checking our phone or email every 10 minutes. We rationalize and sometimes even send another message or try calling. This only adds to the despair if there is once again no response!
Day 5-7 Acceptance – Self-Doubt – Acceptance. We continue to vacillate from accepting that there is nothing we can do to change the situation, to wondering “What exactly did I do wrong.” We over analyzing everything we did or said and how we looked, or whatever the insecurity might be. We have all done it! I know I have, and several times. I beat myself up and say I will never allow that to happen again. But I can't tell you how many times I DID let it happen. And every time I did, it made me sick to my stomach, literally. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of self-loathing and self-pity and guilt.
I dragged myself so far into the ground that it was hard to get up in the morning. But get up, we must and get on with our lives. We must learn not only to be more discerning, but more importantly, we must lean to love ourselves. Once you know and truly feel love for yourself, then you can never fall prey to these negative emotions again. The most important thing we can do for ourselves is to HONOR ourselves. Honor is the key to life. If you live with honor, you can never be dragged into that dark abyss of self-hatred and diffidence. Eventually the hurt, pain, embarrassment and guilt will all begin to fade. It becomes a bad memory. But hopefully we learn from that memory.
5 Tips To Dispelling Despair
AFFIRMATIONS: The key to learning to let go of self-hatred and fear is through constant affirmations. We have heard this over and over, but I can't stress enough how important it is to say it out loud and in the mirror everyday several times a day. I go so far as to write it out on paper when those old feelings of fear and desperation come up. I write and I write until at last that dark cloud goes away. If you keep telling yourself “I love and approve of myself” over and over, eventually you begin to believe it. Honor yourself and honor your body and you will attract to you honorable people that want more than just a one-night stand.
PHYSICAL STRESS RELIEVERS: I like to run. It is so cleansing to go out and clear my head. Try running with no music so that you are present in your head. I can't tell you how therapeutic it is. It is what got me through my divorce. Some people think of it as exercising the body, I think of it as exercising the soul. Do whatever is a good release for you. It might be playing the piano, or gardening, or singing to the top of your lungs in your car. Go and do it and release some of that negative energy. You might even try getting a squeeze ball. You can go so far as to write out what you want to release, close your eyes and squeeze that ball with all your might sending all your negative energy into it and when you are done, send the ball flying across the room or outside in the yard. The physical aspect of releasing the ball will help you to release your anger or tension. There are many mind games you can play with yourself. Do what works for you.
MEDITATION: This is a great one! Be sure you are alone and in a quiet space indoors or outdoors. I love to go to the ocean and listen to the waves crashing. To me, the ocean is the most enriching and vitalizing energy. The sound of the wind and the waves and the smell of the sea air help me to go deep into my head and quiet the chatter. But again, do what works for you. There are many guided meditations you can find on-line that are great for helping to quiet your mind. Try practicing this everyday if you can. If only for 10 or 15 minutes a day. I can't tell you how wonderful and energized you will feel when you're done.
JOURNALING: I love to write down my thoughts. It somehow gets it out of me so that it doesn't continue to fester in my head. If you are afraid of someone reading it then burn it or shred it when you're done. I might also encourage you to write a letter to the person you are focusing on. It is important to release your anger. Write a letter and rant away. Say all the things you want and need to say. When you are done, burn it! Really. It is very freeing to do this and it helps with some closure of the situation. DON'T SEND IT. If you do, you will most likely regret it the next day!
PROFESSIONAL THERAPY: Go talk to someone that is unbiased. Your best friend might be a good shoulder to cry on, but 9 times out of 10 they are going to tell you what you want to hear. If this doesn't resonate with you then try a seminar. There are so many organizations out there to help you reach your goals. From Financial Freedom and Wealth to Health and Self-Awareness.